"HOW TO INSTALL YOUR NEW HOME SECURITY SYSTEM"

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a used pair of men's work boots size 14-16.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
3. Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Bubba,

Me and Bertha, Duke and Slim went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.

Better wait outside. Be right back.
Cooter