What a remarkable day! Did we ever think we’d see the likes of it?

Trying to ascertain just what is happening in the Financial World today is like trying to convert Antoninus to be "nice."

First, Ben Bernanke appeared in the U.S. Senate, with former Fed governor Paul Volcker by his side, and announced an incredible turnaround in Fed policy.

Yes, he said, he and his fellow Fed governors were very concerned about weakness in the financial sector.

And yes, they were very sympathetic to all those people who had high mortgage payments to make and all those people who had bought shares in Bear Stearns and other high-flying investment firms. But he went on to say that the Fed’s primary mission was not to protect people from the consequences of their own mistakes; it was to protect the nation’s money and its credit.

Bernanke went on to hint strongly that there would be no further rate cuts. Instead, Fed policy has turned back to its more traditional role of fighting inflation, he said. The Fed has become serious about stabilizing the value of the dollar.

“We can no longer ignore the economic consequences of price increases in fundamental resources, such as oil, wheat and iron ore,” he said. “These price increases not only cause suffering on the part of average citizens who now pay an average of $3.23 for a gallon of gas.

They also cause huge distortions and malinvestments in the whole world economy.”

While he was still speaking, prices of stocks began to fall – in anticipation of higher interest rates – with the Dow closing down 535 points. The dollar rose against all foreign currencies; the euro dropped back to $1.30. A shop owner in Paris was heard to say that he actually liked Americans.

Commodities fell, and the price of gold dropped .

That was just the beginning. At 11AM a group of corporate executives, present and former – including Stan O’Neal, Richard Fuld, Ray Irani, John Mack, Barry Diller and William Foley – appeared at a press conference in New York.

The spokesman for the group startled reporters when he announced the group’s intention to return a considerable part of its earnings to the shareholders for whom they worked.

“We’ve thought long and hard about this,” said Mr. Fuld. “And we’ve come to realize that these salaries are just absurdly high. None of us can think of anything we’ve done anytime in the last ten years to warrant a salary of even half of what we get paid – much less the $38 million Stan got or the $322 million Ray got.

Speaking for myself, I spent practically all of last year attending meetings, parties, and ceremonies – and frankly I can’t recall what any of them was about. None of them needed me. And I’ll tell you something else, when I attend those board meetings, half the time I don’t even know what the accountants and lawyers are [there] talking about.

We got together this morning and asked each other how those CDSs work, for example. None of us had any idea. And apparently, believe it or not, between us, we’ve got billions of them on our books.”

It seems that people have been saying forever that, executive salaries are preposterous. But who would have thought, that ARU investors would see the day when executives would admit it.

But hang on Antoninus, the day ain’t over.

Hedge funds have had the worst quarter since they’ve been keeping records. Fifty of them went broke last year. About 8,000 more to go, by estimates.

What is remarkable is the hedgies response. According to the American Hedge Fund Association, managers are reversing their typical “2 and 20” compensation package, to make up for their lost income. Instead of charging 2% of capital and 20% of performance (usually over a benchmark), they’re charging 20% of capital and a 2% performance fee.

An article in the Financial Times demonstrated recently how the previous fee structure worked.

Managers were encouraged to take risks, knowing that “heads I win, tails I lose someone Else's money.

” Taking a big chunk of the gains, while not participating in the losses, gradually transfers ownership of the capital from the investor to the manager.

H'mm nice work! This new system of fees merely speeds up the process.

Finally, Alan Greenspan himself stepped up to the microphones yesterday.

“I think it is time for me to apologize,” said the former head man at the Fed. “This crisis in the financial markets; it’s really my fault. It was on my watch that the bubble in residential real estate developed.

It was while I was at the Fed, too, that the huge parallel banking system grew to its monstrous size – with trillions of dollars worth of CDSs, SIVs, MBSs, and all the other crazy alphabet derivatives, that are causing so much trouble.

“I knew all along that the only real money is money backed by gold.

And I knew that there would be Hell to pay when people got carried away with the cheap paper-dollar credit that I was helping to make available.

I remember that I said at the time that the growth in sophisticated investment vehicles helped spread out the risk. And I also told home buyers that they should take advantage of those ARMS that they now regret.

“I am truly sorry for what I have done.”

*** In addition to the financial news, the political news was also worthy of comment.

The little town of Ashford, Tennessee, held a special election yesterday, after its mayor died in a freak poker accident. He was playing poker with friends in an abandoned warehouse when the roof collapsed, killing him, the chief of police, the coroner, and the town’s leading brothel owner, Ray Borvis.

The resulting election to replace the mayor and police chief pitted democrats against republicans in a bitter battle for control of Ashford. Here we see democracy in its purest form. This the actual transcript of a public debate held at the James Earl Ray Memorial Hall yesterday.

“I have every respect for my opponent in this race,” said the democrat, Liddell Fulsom, a stout man who was said to sweat a lot. “It is just that I don’t think he shares the values of Ashford and its people.”

“What values are you talking about?” replied Myron Byer, the republican. “The values of the previous administration are nothing to be proud of.”

“What? Are you casting dispersions on the town and its people? I know I am very proud to be from Ashford. We’re number one in the state in supporting the U.S. government...why, we have more flags flying in Ashford than in any other city in the country...per capita, of course.”

“Yes, but that’s because you got a special deal on the flags, made in China, of course...and then you sold them to the city government so they could put them up all over town. And you made $5 on each one of them...didn’t you?”

“Are you opposed to free enterprise, Mr. Byer? Would you like to tell the people of Ashford why? It’s because you were – and probably still are – a radical, a draft dodger and a subversive.”

“Are you kidding? I was a student during the Vietnam War...I had a student deferment. And then I got a high number in the lottery. I was just lucky.”

“And I guess you’d say that those of us who served our country were unlucky? I spent 18 months fighting for Old’ Glory in the swamps and jungles of Southeast Asia, and you know, those are the proudest moments of my life. I feel very lucky that I had the honor to defend this great country.”

“And what about killing those women and children...remember, you were court-martialed for it? Are you proud of that too?”

“Wait a minute...that’s hitting below the belt...they were armed Vietcong...I was railroaded by communists and the peaceniks... And at least I wasn’t spending my time up at the university fooling around with thespians.”

“You don’t even know what a thespian is...”

“And I don’t want to know...I’m a married man with four upstanding children...”

“No, you’re a racist, a bigot and a moron.”

“Hold on, you piece of sh**. Or I’ll come over there and punch your lights out. Let’s face it, Myrie, you don’t have a prayer in this election. You’re desperate.”

“Oh yeah, I’ve already announced my plan to build a new senior center. All this town’s got are seniors. And they’re behind me.”

“How do you think you’re going to pay for this thing?”

“I’m going to raise taxes on that stupid store of yours.”

There you have it.

My wife watches the "Young and Restless .'

But hey, this FINANCIAL news stuff is way better.