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Message: IMPORTANT DATA FOR ALL AMERICANS
Subject: Illegal Immigrants in Canada
The Manitoba Herald as Reported
by Clive Runnels August 15, 2010
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border
into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls
for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The
recent actions of the Tea Party are prompting an exodus
among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be
required to hunt, pray, and to agree with Bill O'Reilly and
Glenn Beck.
Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens
of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and
Unitarians crossing their fields at night.
"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a
Hollywood producer huddled in the barn,"
said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose
acreage borders North Dakota . The producer was cold,
exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte
and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any,
he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay
, eh?"
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected
higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then
installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the
fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still
got through and Rush annoyed the cows so much that they
wouldn't give any milk."
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who
meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo
station wagons and drive them across the border where they
are simply left to fend for themselves.
"A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged
conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said.
"I found one carload without a single bottle
of imported drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa
Valley Cabernet, though."
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the
border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from
conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about plans
being made to build re-education camps where liberals will
be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR races.
In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of
crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior
citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian
prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans
in powdered wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities
began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed
senior-citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to
prove that they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't
identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show,
we become very
suspicious about their age," an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal
immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and are
renting all the Michael Moore movies. "I really feel sorry
for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't
support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many
art-history majors does one country need?"
In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and
Canada , Vice President Biden met with the Canadian
ambassador and pledged that the administration would take
steps to reassure liberals. A source close to President
Obama said, "We're going to have some Paul McCartney and
Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might even put some
endangered species on postage stamps. The President is
determined to reach out," he said. The Herald will be
interested to see if Obama can actually raise Mary from the
dead in time for the concert
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border
into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls
for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The
recent actions of the Tea Party are prompting an exodus
among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be
required to hunt, pray, and to agree with Bill O'Reilly and
Glenn Beck.
Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens
of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and
Unitarians crossing their fields at night.
"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a
Hollywood producer huddled in the barn,"
said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose
acreage borders North Dakota . The producer was cold,
exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte
and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any,
he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay
, eh?"
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected
higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then
installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the
fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still
got through and Rush annoyed the cows so much that they
wouldn't give any milk."
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who
meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo
station wagons and drive them across the border where they
are simply left to fend for themselves.
"A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged
conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said.
"I found one carload without a single bottle
of imported drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa
Valley Cabernet, though."
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the
border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from
conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about plans
being made to build re-education camps where liberals will
be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR races.
In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of
crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior
citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian
prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans
in powdered wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities
began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed
senior-citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to
prove that they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't
identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show,
we become very
suspicious about their age," an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal
immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and are
renting all the Michael Moore movies. "I really feel sorry
for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't
support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many
art-history majors does one country need?"
In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and
Canada , Vice President Biden met with the Canadian
ambassador and pledged that the administration would take
steps to reassure liberals. A source close to President
Obama said, "We're going to have some Paul McCartney and
Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might even put some
endangered species on postage stamps. The President is
determined to reach out," he said. The Herald will be
interested to see if Obama can actually raise Mary from the
dead in time for the concert
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