but the play has inexplicably morphed into a dog

If it's the good ship lolly pop your looking for, there's no such thing. But it's pretty darn close.

Notice how the chart starts in the lower left corner and rises to the upper right and is consolidating nicely between the 38/62 fib bands using 2.56 as support and 3.31 as the high? Hardly your description of performance.